Nine holes of PWND

I promise universe, I won't brag about chess. But I felt that it was my duty to share with you...my millions of followers, that the 9 move gambit does exist. Enjoy.

I go now to save the world. Or study, or whatever.

The thrill of defeat?

No losing sucks.

It's raining and I just got beat by someone named pcmathsgeek from England.

This blows.

Polygamy Saves Lives

"Chess is life" --Bobby Fischer

I am very good with the ladies. Scary good, even. The intricate complexities that constitute the mysterious abyss of the female mind are both fascinating and petrifying. As a dude, I view women like I view polar bears. I think they're awesome, but I don't want make 'em mad. Turning this philosophy into practice has proved pretty well in my personal journey to better understand this aforementioned abyss. I can summarize my findings with two simple rules which we should all take to heart.

(editors note: yes, I do have a girlfriend, whom I love very much --after this blog, I hope that's still true.)

Rule #1: Sensitivity

Women go through $#@% that we males do not. As a biologist, lutropin surges and progesterone formation is pretty cool to read about if you're bored; but probably is a pretty horrible thing to go through. Basically, Women have more emotions than guys do. That's not sexist, I promise. I just hit you with science; don't argue with me. If you need any more help understanding what I'm getting at with this rule, you've never spent more than 31 straight days with female contact, or you are possibly a bigger chess nerd than I am. All-in-all, it comes down to this: Pay attention to the mood of your woman before you speak, and thee shall live a long and prosperous life.

Rule #2: Respect

I previously compared females with polar bears. Allow me to elaborate here a bit. By no means am I trying to say that I am scared of women (there are exceptions to almost every statement). I love women, and fully consider them as my equal. However, I do not understand them. What I mean by this, is that when studying any life form that you do not, or can not fully understand, it is wise to exercise a certain level of reverence. I plead my ignorance! Women are beautiful, powerful creatures, which deserve respect in every sense of the word. But because are emotional processes are so totally different, we can't assume to understand them completely.This concept of exercising a level of caution in how you handle interactions with a member of the opposite gender, and accepting your ignorance of their thought processes is the first step in "getting" women.

But I digress.

How does this have anything to do with chess you might ask? Everything. Chess is life after all.

It is no small coincidence that the most affective piece on a board is dubbed "the queen". The same mystique and power that women possess over us men clearly surrounds the very presence of her majesty with any move. No one argues its dominance. Every strategy I've ever seen revolves around her position. You must defend her, or you will parish. Probably.

But for all of my rambling, you may be surprised to learn that this blog is not about the mighty queen. At least not the one you would think. As you the general set facing the opposing army that lay in front of you, it is often quite to your disadvantage to see only one femme fatale between you and victory.

The very first thing I tell a new player after they have learned what the pieces do is that there are nine queens on the board...eight of them just haven't grown up yet. We all know this to be true, yet we forget it so quickly. This simple piece of information is truly the first determinant as to whether one is a good player, or whether the game will end so quickly that your iPod won't even be able to get through Human Jerky.

Short story long kids, respect the pawns. Don't throw the potential away. Bishops are always gonna be bishops, but the awesome power that is gained by bringing a pawn all the way home cannot be matched. A king with two queens is totally having a good day.

But why?

I started playing online chess about three months, ago.

This is my last semester in college, and I'm pretty bored. I already know what I'm doing next year, I don't have a girlfriend (is that obvious with the whole chess blog thing?), and for the moment I just have to graduate.

This would offer the average person an inordinate amount of free time, with which he or she could be outside doing whatever they want. I would love to be out there, outside, in it, running, swimming, rolling, hiking, riding, jumping, frolicking (do people still frolic?), jogging or doing whatever people do outside. However, most of the time, I'm either working in the lab or sitting around at my real job with not much to do, neither job is especially "demanding," as one might say. But, I am stuck inside and in front of the computer, so what does one do?

So enters online chess, the above mentioned hobby. Playing online chess is probably the dorkiest thing I've ever gotten into. It's really dorky. I've played chess on and off since I was in grade school, and I've even played online chess before, but one has to knock themselves down a couple of notches on the social totem pole if they really want to play online chess.

I guess I've done that?

Surprisingly, playing online chess gets you into some absurd games/conversations/situations/confrontations, and that's what me and my friend Phillip will try to delve into here on MaChessmo.

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention Phillip, the proverbial foil to all of my chess aspirations. As I'm typing this he is busily defeating someone, right now. Me and Phillip work together and being that we have the same job, he also has copious amounts of free time behind a computer screen. He's also in grad school, an institution designed by society to be nerdy and kill time. He's also awesome at chess/life/mosteverything.

So stick around, we'll keep you updated.